so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
