I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize