haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
