she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
