i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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