Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
