Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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