im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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