I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
