So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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