two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Damn victory sex feels great
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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