My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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