I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
