is your mom at the bar?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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