oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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