she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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