The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
