Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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