I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
