my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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