its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
