well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize