I want you more than these girls want KFC
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
