I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
