She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
All the doctor said was why
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
