Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
