She said her name was "party"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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