He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
