Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize