i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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