we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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