and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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