she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
