Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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