i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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