She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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