Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
