Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
