my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
