update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
