just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
my being single is dangerous.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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