you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
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