I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
