i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
