I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Randomize
