He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
