He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
