Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
