I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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