i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
