In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
