Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize