Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
