Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
